Chad, Alex, Welcome to the Lake.

Watertiger, Welcome back, and thank you for Hosting today’s Book Salon.

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Thanks, Bev, and welcome to Chad and Alex!

Good afternoon Chad and Alex and welcome to Firedoglake this afternoon. Hey Watertiger!

This is a question for the “President of Vice” hisownself. For some reason, the Ghost of Aaron Burr visited me last night and Joe, he was wondering how you managed all this good PR? He thinks you’re about to pass him on the scale of law breaking Vice Presidents and he seemed a bit perturbed at that thought.

For those of you who haven’t had a chance to read The President of Vice, let me ask you both: how did you guys convince Vice President Biden to write this memoir/autobiography?

Thank you for having us. We are looking forward to providing half-assed answers to every question.

And did it involve calling yourselves Taz and Jorge?

Hello everyone. Thanks for having us!

Joe Biden actually came to us asking about a book deal. Apparently he owed some “bad dudes” a lot of money and needed a quick payout.

Cash, ass, and grass.

Did you meet with the VP at the White House or in the train?

Why, Eli, are you implying that a reputable news journal such as The Onion would engage in such scandalous behavior?

Is it true his bassinet was made from an empty Schlitz case, or was it an empty case of Little Kings?

It’ important to get these details right.

Do you two get a cut of the profits? Or does it all go to debt relief?

We signed the book contract with Biden over dinner at Waffle House.

Is his life divided into 3 parts, like he wanted to divide Iraq? Scratching around for memes here.

Unfortunately, no one knows the whereabouts of Joe Biden since he got paid for his autobiography. If anyone sees him we’d love to know, he stole a microwave from our office.

Waffle House is a great place to cure the munchies.

Did he tell you about the time he killed the Somali pirate?

Does he reveal how often he gets his plugs done & who does them?

Wow, busting out the Little Kings, I’m impressed. The finest of the tiny malt liquors. It was definitely Schlitz, though.

I was a little surprised that there was no mention of Bill Clinton in the book – I would have thought there would have been at least a little bit of mutual admiration and exchanging of pointers there.

How does Diamond Joe keep all these financial and woman troubles from the press?

Biden doesn’t strike me as the cigar type. Fat blunts, maybe.

I believe that was mentioned but with most of the murders that he committed over the years, he swore us to secrecy.

Did Biden ever shred on guitar for either of you?

Reporters cover you favorably if you invite them to the best ragers in DC.

Boxers? Briefs? Barbara Boxers? Commando? Seal Team 6ers?

We practically had to rip his axe out of his hands so he’d get some work done. Though you should really listen to his 4 hour version of Extreme’s “More Than Words”

Also – did he ever admit to you that he was the driver of the car in this shot of Cusack, Depp and Hunter Thompson with a blow up doll?

Because I totally think he was.

Biden is completely naked for about 23 hours a day

Did you check witness protection?

He once played the first few bars of Smoke on the Water on an acoustic guitar.

Do you know if Obama has completely recovered from his experience getting high with Biden?

It’s possible. Biden has a long and illustrious film career, appearing as an extra in every Porky’s film.

I don’t think he has. Some people get giggly or even paranoid, but Obama just goes nuts with the drone strikes.

Shaved, waxed, or Mr. Natural?

If Biden runs for President in 2016 (and wins), do you think he’ll sign an executive order legalizing marijuana? Y’know, for Blaze?

Does Diamond Joe fantasize about Sarah Palin?

He’s done all three, according to the numerous stories that he tells about his crotch. Currently, it’s smooth like baby’s bottom. Had to get rid of some critters living down there.

I think he does fantasize about that time he boned her

He’s done more than just fantasize.

Are the rumors about Joe giving Ron Paul a wedgie true?

Diamond Joe aint no bully. And he generally doesn’t want to have anything to do with men’s underwear

That’d be a lot of work. Biden knows an MD who’ll give you a medical marijuana prescription for two jacksons, no questions asked.

Has Joe raced the Trans Am at Daytona yet?

He must spend a lot of time in Colorado.

He will definitely sign an executive order calling for mandatory bong breaks at least once an hour each day.

Is there any truth to the rumor that Biden was planning on starting the Party Party?

I doubt Joe would be involved with anything that mentions the words “plan” and “start”

Recently the VP was shown on TV telling people if they want to protect themselves, “Get a shotgun.” I haven’t had a chance to read the book yet, but are there any tales of VP Biden in his early days when he had to defend himself? Against whom? What kind of skills did he use? How was the story recounted in the press at the time?

Secondly, what were some of the comments from the Secret Service about protecting him? Any complaints? Praise? Other names that were suggested or rejected for code names?

Thanks!
Spocko
editted to fix 3 really stupid errors. Sorry I’ve got the Tholosian flu.

With the Oscars coming, I know I could use a good cocktail recipe. Care to share?

Does Joe still frequent women’s dormitories?

Is it true that Diamond Joe is the only man Ron Jeremy feels inadequate around?

Just last year Biden used his snake-style kung fu to scare off some meth head stealing copper pipes from the basement of One Observatory Circle.

His hands are lethal weapons for punishment and pleasure.

Wouldn’t know, he was constantly ditching the Secret Service

Tell us more.

Dude is a green belt now. Great photo in the book of Joe in the dojo.

Examples please. Remember, we watch Homeland. so please be specific.
Thx in advance.
Spocko

Absolutely. Joe spent most of the 2012 presidential campaign at women’s dorms pressing the flesh.

One of the perks of being VP is if you give the keynote graduation speech the ladies come to you.

In the TV show Parks and Rec, the lead played by Amy Poehler, has a crush on Biden. I heard that this is true in real life on 2 very specific A level actresses and a few notorious conservative politicians. Care to share and tell us how Joe dealt with these crushes? How does his wife handle it?
Thx in advance.
Spocko

..and what’s Diamond’s favorite “play” name?

Is it true that Joe taught Sting about tantric sex?

And what’s his safe word? Does he even have a safe word?

Everyone talks about Biden’s plugs, but nobody mentions the smile as much? What’s the story behind the smile?

Also, I’ve never met the VP, but I’m guessing he smells great. Any inside scoop on cologne, shampoo, conditioner etc? Any truth to rumors in future merchandising on men’s grooming products?
Tnx in advance
Spocko

Was Joe ever involved with a gang?

Biden briefly served as a spokesman for Brut aftershave, and he’s still a loyal customer.

Joe is always more than happy to give a female fan the ride of their lifetime. What Jill doesn’t know doesn’t hurt her. And if that doesn’t work, he knows more than one way to take her mind off of anything.

Excellent! See THIS is news I can use! [makes notes Buy Brut's Attitude Aftershave]

In the book, Joe lists all the D.C. congressional hotties he’s had, but one name was notably absent: Michele Bachmann. Has he ever danced the horizontal bop with the Countess of Crazy?

He has worked as a recruiter for many gang bangs

What happens in the congressional women’s restroom stays in the congressional women’s restroom.

I bet Joe has made going home to Marcus a real disappointment for Michele.

Will there be a Cabinet position for Blaze in the Biden White House?

I think it would have to be Agriculture, right?

Blaze knows enough about heat lamps and hydroponics to make a pretty decent Secretary of Agriculture.

Last Christmas season, Joe was photographed in Costco, and said that he was getting presents for the grandkids. Was he really? Or was he getting a gross of condoms?

Does Joe still use a Graffix bong, or has he gone modern?

However, Blaze’s expertise in stealing could lend itself well working as the Secretary of Treasury.

He was buying condoms for his grandkids

Joe was focused during the debates with Paul Ryan. What was his training technique to prepare? Love the picture of the lucky debate suit, who designed it?

What can Diamond Joe do to protect us and the homeland from Sharknado?

And then it’s off to Goldman Sachs!

Given what a great wingman Blaze is, I think he’d make a good Veep for Biden.

Graffix bong with 3 ice cubes and a squirt of vanilla in the water

Ah, that’s a sweet setup!

Would you share Joe’s positions on sexually transmitted disease?

Nothing helps you prepare for a debate like frenching your opponent’s wife right before you go onstage.

I know Joe is a big Whitesnake and Dokken fan. What are his thoughts on Ratt and early Motley Crue?

Missionary

Joe’s a big fan of Ratt’s “Dancin’ Undercover” and of course “Out of the Cellar” And he loves the “Too Fast For Love” by the Crue and I quote “About half the shit on ‘Shout at the Devil’.”

Joe would evacuate the country, because sharks and tornadoes are two things he doesn’t mess with

While he was in L.A., did Joe ever hang out with Blackie Lawless? Also, did he ever bang Tawny Kitaen while she was with Dave Coverdale?

I believe he had her writhing around on the hood of his Trans Am.

What does Mitch McConnell have on Joe? and what does Joe have on Mitch? Seems Joe is the only person who can get Mitch to do something when Mitch is just into grandstanding

Yeah, Biden bought his shotgun after seeing a trailer for Sharktopus.

PLEASE let it be a tryst in the Senate cloakroom!

The closest he got to hanging out with Blackie Lawless was the front row of a W.A.S.P. concert back in ’82

Will Joe be at the reopening of the Washington Monument?

There’s an intimacy between Joe and Mitch that only occurs when you’ve shared the close and comfy quarters of a Senate page’s mouth

Absolutely. Biden has a whole crate of “Tijuana Bumble Bees”, his signature firework, ready to light up the DC night sky.

He’ll try his damnedest, but it’s difficult to get around a lifetime ban

Can you explain to the audience why he was banned?

Think Groovy Joe will get off his ass and slap some sense into that Prez of his? What does Funky Joe think of our new police state, of dead children from drone strikes, and killing American citizens? Is being a Wall St shill just alright with Joe Da Man? Does Joe Shmoe understand that there is no economy without a living wage for working people? Whatcha gone do, Joe?

A bunch of spoil sports dropped a dime on his ass when they caught him with a cutie milking his moan bone.

When Joe drives around in the ‘Zam, does the Secret Service have to have a couple of identical decoy cars driving with him to throw off any potential terrorists?

That’s so weird. The same EXACT THING HAPPENED TO ME!

No terrorist could catch his mean machine.

Joe isn’t really into all that politics crap

The Secret Service wishes they had a car half as sweet as Biden’s baby.

There are some sweet video games you can play at the DoD though. Lots of remote control airplane shooters, although the graphics are shit compared to Xbox.

Is Joe going to go on a book tour for the autobiography? Maybe an interview with Imus?

Does Joe wish Jill would get hot bangs like Michelle?

Jill gets plenty of hot bangs.

aqua-kitty! sorry to be sliding in so late *le pant le pant*

i LOVE LOVE LOVE this book! thank you so very much chad and alex for writing this. whatta hoot of a book.

I know Joe’s got a tattoo of “Jill” inside a heart. Does Jill have a comparable tattoo?

Doesn’t look good. He said he had a bunch of work bullshit to take care of

No such thing as late! Just “temporally shifted”.

I know on her pelvis she has a little warning sign that says “Slippery When Wet” and supposedly she has a tattoo that says “Joe” on her heart.

Damn. I hope that doesn’t interfere with any of his road trips.

Wow, a nod to Bon Jovi and everything! What a gal.

Your kind words will certainly be appreciated by the President of Vice

As we come to the end of this fun Book Salon,

Chad, Alex, Thank you for stopping by the Lake and spending the afternoon with us discussing your new book, and having fun with us.

Watertiger, Thank you very much for Hosting this great Book Salon.

Everyone, if you would like more information:

Chad and Alex’s website (The Onion) and book

Watertiger’s website (DependableRenegade.com)

Thanks all, Have a great week.

If you would like to contact the FDL Book Salon: FiredoglakeBookSalon@gmail.com

FDL Book Salon has a Facebook page too

BTW, has Obama finally agreed to let Joe breed constrictors at Camp David?

Running the country is always second to giving the Zam some fresh air.

How has the Washington press corps reacted to the book? Chuck Todd? Andrea Mitchell?

Thank you for having us. It’s been a pleasure.

Thank you. It’s nice to be had.

(Isn’t that a quote from someone in the book?)

It’s easier to apologize than ask permission.

Thanks for inviting us. Sorry Biden couldn’t join the conversation himself.

Alex and Chad, thanks so much for hanging out with us. I’m going to sign up for Joe’s guitar classes.

We had a great time. Just remember Joe’s not responsible for any hearing loss.

This was wonderful!

Thank you all

Chad and Alex, thanks for getting down and in with Joe and coming out the other side to give us a look.

Waterkitty, you were perfect: so good to see you again.

And Bev, thank you for making this and all the Salons happen.