Welcome Chad Nackers and Alex Blechman (The Onion) and Host Watertiger (Dependable Renegade.com)

The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden (The Onion)

We all know Vice President Joe Biden as the street smart, wisecracking, blue-collared right hand of President Barack Obama. We all know the well-worn public persona: the dedicated family man who spent four hours a day during his Senate tenure shlepping to and from Wilmington, Delaware to be with his offspring, instead of shacking up with a group of fellow politicos in a deluxe Georgetown brownstone, going home on alternate weekends to gladhand with campaign donors. And yes, we all know Joe Biden as the GILF fantasy of women from Bangor to Bangalore, and probably in Europe, too. He’s approachable, he’s funny, he’s smart, he drives a white Trans Am, and he’s dead sexy. He’s Joe Biden.

But there’s so much we didn’t know about the current Veep…until now. Thanks to Chad Nackers and Alex Blechman, two of his good friends at America’s newspaper of record, The Onion, Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. (“Diamond” Joe to his friends) has agreed to tell it like it really was–and is–about his life, from relaxing in the bassinet his father made from an empty Schlitz case, to his carefree youth spent wooing the ladies and discovering new ways to achieve peak inebriation, to the mind-altering Summer of ’87, to knocking boots with Olympia Snowe at the top of the Washington Monument. The President of Vice isn’t just a political animal; he’s a party animal!

Not only does the Master Debater fondly recount tales of sexual prowess and his misadventures roadtripping across America (and Mexico) in this autobiography, but he also provides helpful lists, such as cocktail recipes that will knock you on your sorry ass, his favorite hair metal songs, and the best places in the D.C. area in which to make the beast with two backs. Anyhow, I don’t want to reveal too many of the sensa-million factoids laced throughout this memoir, so let’s get this party started with Chad and Alex, “Diamond” Joe’s emissaries here for today’s Book Salon.

 

[As a courtesy to our guests, please keep comments to the book and be respectful of dissenting opinions.  Please take other conversations to a previous thread. - bev]

131 Responses to “FDL Book Salon Welcomes Chad Nackers and Alex Blechman, The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden (The Onion)”

BevW February 24th, 2013 at 1:50 pm

Chad, Alex, Welcome to the Lake.

Watertiger, Welcome back, and thank you for Hosting today’s Book Salon.

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watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:00 pm

Thanks, Bev, and welcome to Chad and Alex!

dakine01 February 24th, 2013 at 2:00 pm

Good afternoon Chad and Alex and welcome to Firedoglake this afternoon. Hey Watertiger!

This is a question for the “President of Vice” hisownself. For some reason, the Ghost of Aaron Burr visited me last night and Joe, he was wondering how you managed all this good PR? He thinks you’re about to pass him on the scale of law breaking Vice Presidents and he seemed a bit perturbed at that thought.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:01 pm

For those of you who haven’t had a chance to read The President of Vice, let me ask you both: how did you guys convince Vice President Biden to write this memoir/autobiography?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:02 pm
In response to BevW @ 1

Thank you for having us. We are looking forward to providing half-assed answers to every question.

Eli February 24th, 2013 at 2:02 pm
In response to watertiger @ 4

And did it involve calling yourselves Taz and Jorge?

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 2:03 pm
In response to watertiger @ 4

Hello everyone. Thanks for having us!

Joe Biden actually came to us asking about a book deal. Apparently he owed some “bad dudes” a lot of money and needed a quick payout.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:03 pm
In response to watertiger @ 4

Cash, ass, and grass.

Elliott February 24th, 2013 at 2:03 pm

Did you meet with the VP at the White House or in the train?

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:04 pm
In response to Eli @ 6

Why, Eli, are you implying that a reputable news journal such as The Onion would engage in such scandalous behavior?

Kelly Canfield February 24th, 2013 at 2:04 pm

Is it true his bassinet was made from an empty Schlitz case, or was it an empty case of Little Kings?

It’ important to get these details right.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:05 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 8

Do you two get a cut of the profits? Or does it all go to debt relief?

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 2:06 pm
In response to Elliott @ 9

We signed the book contract with Biden over dinner at Waffle House.

eCAHNomics February 24th, 2013 at 2:06 pm

Is his life divided into 3 parts, like he wanted to divide Iraq? Scratching around for memes here.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:06 pm
In response to dakine01 @ 3

Unfortunately, no one knows the whereabouts of Joe Biden since he got paid for his autobiography. If anyone sees him we’d love to know, he stole a microwave from our office.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:07 pm
In response to Alex Blechman @ 13

Waffle House is a great place to cure the munchies.

Elliott February 24th, 2013 at 2:07 pm

Did he tell you about the time he killed the Somali pirate?

eCAHNomics February 24th, 2013 at 2:08 pm

Does he reveal how often he gets his plugs done & who does them?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:08 pm
In response to Kelly Canfield @ 11

Wow, busting out the Little Kings, I’m impressed. The finest of the tiny malt liquors. It was definitely Schlitz, though.

Eli February 24th, 2013 at 2:08 pm

I was a little surprised that there was no mention of Bill Clinton in the book – I would have thought there would have been at least a little bit of mutual admiration and exchanging of pointers there.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:08 pm

How does Diamond Joe keep all these financial and woman troubles from the press?

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:09 pm
In response to Eli @ 20

Biden doesn’t strike me as the cigar type. Fat blunts, maybe.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:11 pm
In response to Elliott @ 17

I believe that was mentioned but with most of the murders that he committed over the years, he swore us to secrecy.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:11 pm

Did Biden ever shred on guitar for either of you?

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 2:13 pm
In response to watertiger @ 21

Reporters cover you favorably if you invite them to the best ragers in DC.

masaccio February 24th, 2013 at 2:13 pm

Boxers? Briefs? Barbara Boxers? Commando? Seal Team 6ers?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:14 pm
In response to watertiger @ 24

We practically had to rip his axe out of his hands so he’d get some work done. Though you should really listen to his 4 hour version of Extreme’s “More Than Words”

Kelly Canfield February 24th, 2013 at 2:14 pm

Also – did he ever admit to you that he was the driver of the car in this shot of Cusack, Depp and Hunter Thompson with a blow up doll?

Because I totally think he was.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:15 pm
In response to masaccio @ 26

Biden is completely naked for about 23 hours a day

dakine01 February 24th, 2013 at 2:15 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 15

Did you check witness protection?

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 2:16 pm
In response to watertiger @ 24

He once played the first few bars of Smoke on the Water on an acoustic guitar.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:17 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 29

Do you know if Obama has completely recovered from his experience getting high with Biden?

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 2:18 pm
In response to Kelly Canfield @ 28

It’s possible. Biden has a long and illustrious film career, appearing as an extra in every Porky’s film.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:19 pm
In response to watertiger @ 32

I don’t think he has. Some people get giggly or even paranoid, but Obama just goes nuts with the drone strikes.

Kirk Murphy February 24th, 2013 at 2:19 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 29

Shaved, waxed, or Mr. Natural?

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:21 pm
In response to Alex Blechman @ 33

If Biden runs for President in 2016 (and wins), do you think he’ll sign an executive order legalizing marijuana? Y’know, for Blaze?

bmaz February 24th, 2013 at 2:21 pm

Does Diamond Joe fantasize about Sarah Palin?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:22 pm
In response to Kirk Murphy @ 35

He’s done all three, according to the numerous stories that he tells about his crotch. Currently, it’s smooth like baby’s bottom. Had to get rid of some critters living down there.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:23 pm
In response to bmaz @ 37

I think he does fantasize about that time he boned her

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 2:23 pm
In response to bmaz @ 37

He’s done more than just fantasize.

Kelly Canfield February 24th, 2013 at 2:24 pm

Are the rumors about Joe giving Ron Paul a wedgie true?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:25 pm
In response to Kelly Canfield @ 41

Diamond Joe aint no bully. And he generally doesn’t want to have anything to do with men’s underwear

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 2:26 pm
In response to watertiger @ 36

That’d be a lot of work. Biden knows an MD who’ll give you a medical marijuana prescription for two jacksons, no questions asked.

bmaz February 24th, 2013 at 2:27 pm

Has Joe raced the Trans Am at Daytona yet?

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:27 pm
In response to Alex Blechman @ 43

He must spend a lot of time in Colorado.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:27 pm
In response to watertiger @ 36

He will definitely sign an executive order calling for mandatory bong breaks at least once an hour each day.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:29 pm

Is there any truth to the rumor that Biden was planning on starting the Party Party?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:30 pm

I doubt Joe would be involved with anything that mentions the words “plan” and “start”

spocko February 24th, 2013 at 2:32 pm

Recently the VP was shown on TV telling people if they want to protect themselves, “Get a shotgun.” I haven’t had a chance to read the book yet, but are there any tales of VP Biden in his early days when he had to defend himself? Against whom? What kind of skills did he use? How was the story recounted in the press at the time?

Secondly, what were some of the comments from the Secret Service about protecting him? Any complaints? Praise? Other names that were suggested or rejected for code names?

Thanks!
Spocko
editted to fix 3 really stupid errors. Sorry I’ve got the Tholosian flu.

masaccio February 24th, 2013 at 2:32 pm

With the Oscars coming, I know I could use a good cocktail recipe. Care to share?

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:33 pm

Does Joe still frequent women’s dormitories?

bmaz February 24th, 2013 at 2:35 pm

Is it true that Diamond Joe is the only man Ron Jeremy feels inadequate around?

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 2:35 pm
In response to spocko @ 49

Just last year Biden used his snake-style kung fu to scare off some meth head stealing copper pipes from the basement of One Observatory Circle.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:37 pm
In response to spocko @ 49

His hands are lethal weapons for punishment and pleasure.

Wouldn’t know, he was constantly ditching the Secret Service

spocko February 24th, 2013 at 2:37 pm
In response to Alex Blechman @ 53

Tell us more.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:38 pm
In response to Alex Blechman @ 53

Dude is a green belt now. Great photo in the book of Joe in the dojo.

spocko February 24th, 2013 at 2:38 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 54

Examples please. Remember, we watch Homeland. so please be specific.
Thx in advance.
Spocko

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:40 pm
In response to watertiger @ 51

Absolutely. Joe spent most of the 2012 presidential campaign at women’s dorms pressing the flesh.

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 2:40 pm
In response to watertiger @ 51

One of the perks of being VP is if you give the keynote graduation speech the ladies come to you.

spocko February 24th, 2013 at 2:41 pm

In the TV show Parks and Rec, the lead played by Amy Poehler, has a crush on Biden. I heard that this is true in real life on 2 very specific A level actresses and a few notorious conservative politicians. Care to share and tell us how Joe dealt with these crushes? How does his wife handle it?
Thx in advance.
Spocko

Kirk Murphy February 24th, 2013 at 2:41 pm
In response to spocko @ 49

..and what’s Diamond’s favorite “play” name?

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:42 pm
In response to Alex Blechman @ 59

Is it true that Joe taught Sting about tantric sex?

Eli February 24th, 2013 at 2:44 pm
In response to Kirk Murphy @ 61

And what’s his safe word? Does he even have a safe word?

spocko February 24th, 2013 at 2:44 pm

Everyone talks about Biden’s plugs, but nobody mentions the smile as much? What’s the story behind the smile?

Also, I’ve never met the VP, but I’m guessing he smells great. Any inside scoop on cologne, shampoo, conditioner etc? Any truth to rumors in future merchandising on men’s grooming products?
Tnx in advance
Spocko

bmaz February 24th, 2013 at 2:44 pm

Was Joe ever involved with a gang?

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 2:45 pm
In response to spocko @ 64

Biden briefly served as a spokesman for Brut aftershave, and he’s still a loyal customer.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:47 pm
In response to spocko @ 60

Joe is always more than happy to give a female fan the ride of their lifetime. What Jill doesn’t know doesn’t hurt her. And if that doesn’t work, he knows more than one way to take her mind off of anything.

spocko February 24th, 2013 at 2:50 pm
In response to Alex Blechman @ 66

Excellent! See THIS is news I can use! [makes notes Buy Brut's Attitude Aftershave]

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:51 pm

In the book, Joe lists all the D.C. congressional hotties he’s had, but one name was notably absent: Michele Bachmann. Has he ever danced the horizontal bop with the Countess of Crazy?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 2:53 pm
In response to bmaz @ 65

He has worked as a recruiter for many gang bangs

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 2:55 pm
In response to watertiger @ 69

What happens in the congressional women’s restroom stays in the congressional women’s restroom.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:56 pm
In response to Alex Blechman @ 71

I bet Joe has made going home to Marcus a real disappointment for Michele.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 2:57 pm

Will there be a Cabinet position for Blaze in the Biden White House?

Eli February 24th, 2013 at 3:00 pm
In response to watertiger @ 73

I think it would have to be Agriculture, right?

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 3:00 pm
In response to watertiger @ 73

Blaze knows enough about heat lamps and hydroponics to make a pretty decent Secretary of Agriculture.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:03 pm

Last Christmas season, Joe was photographed in Costco, and said that he was getting presents for the grandkids. Was he really? Or was he getting a gross of condoms?

bmaz February 24th, 2013 at 3:03 pm

Does Joe still use a Graffix bong, or has he gone modern?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:03 pm
In response to Alex Blechman @ 75

However, Blaze’s expertise in stealing could lend itself well working as the Secretary of Treasury.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:05 pm
In response to watertiger @ 76

He was buying condoms for his grandkids

BevW February 24th, 2013 at 3:06 pm

Joe was focused during the debates with Paul Ryan. What was his training technique to prepare? Love the picture of the lucky debate suit, who designed it?

bmaz February 24th, 2013 at 3:06 pm

What can Diamond Joe do to protect us and the homeland from Sharknado?

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:06 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 78

And then it’s off to Goldman Sachs!

Given what a great wingman Blaze is, I think he’d make a good Veep for Biden.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:07 pm
In response to bmaz @ 77

Graffix bong with 3 ice cubes and a squirt of vanilla in the water

bmaz February 24th, 2013 at 3:09 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 83

Ah, that’s a sweet setup!

Kirk Murphy February 24th, 2013 at 3:09 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 79

Would you share Joe’s positions on sexually transmitted disease?

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 3:10 pm
In response to BevW @ 80

Nothing helps you prepare for a debate like frenching your opponent’s wife right before you go onstage.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:10 pm

I know Joe is a big Whitesnake and Dokken fan. What are his thoughts on Ratt and early Motley Crue?

bmaz February 24th, 2013 at 3:11 pm
In response to Kirk Murphy @ 85

Missionary

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:15 pm
In response to watertiger @ 87

Joe’s a big fan of Ratt’s “Dancin’ Undercover” and of course “Out of the Cellar” And he loves the “Too Fast For Love” by the Crue and I quote “About half the shit on ‘Shout at the Devil’.”

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:18 pm
In response to bmaz @ 81

Joe would evacuate the country, because sharks and tornadoes are two things he doesn’t mess with

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:18 pm

While he was in L.A., did Joe ever hang out with Blackie Lawless? Also, did he ever bang Tawny Kitaen while she was with Dave Coverdale?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:20 pm
In response to watertiger @ 91

I believe he had her writhing around on the hood of his Trans Am.

dakine01 February 24th, 2013 at 3:21 pm

What does Mitch McConnell have on Joe? and what does Joe have on Mitch? Seems Joe is the only person who can get Mitch to do something when Mitch is just into grandstanding

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 3:22 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 90

Yeah, Biden bought his shotgun after seeing a trailer for Sharktopus.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:22 pm
In response to dakine01 @ 93

PLEASE let it be a tryst in the Senate cloakroom!

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:23 pm
In response to watertiger @ 91

The closest he got to hanging out with Blackie Lawless was the front row of a W.A.S.P. concert back in ’82

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:25 pm

Will Joe be at the reopening of the Washington Monument?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:26 pm
In response to dakine01 @ 93

There’s an intimacy between Joe and Mitch that only occurs when you’ve shared the close and comfy quarters of a Senate page’s mouth

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 3:28 pm
In response to watertiger @ 97

Absolutely. Biden has a whole crate of “Tijuana Bumble Bees”, his signature firework, ready to light up the DC night sky.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:29 pm
In response to watertiger @ 97

He’ll try his damnedest, but it’s difficult to get around a lifetime ban

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:29 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 100

Can you explain to the audience why he was banned?

drack37 February 24th, 2013 at 3:32 pm

Think Groovy Joe will get off his ass and slap some sense into that Prez of his? What does Funky Joe think of our new police state, of dead children from drone strikes, and killing American citizens? Is being a Wall St shill just alright with Joe Da Man? Does Joe Shmoe understand that there is no economy without a living wage for working people? Whatcha gone do, Joe?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:34 pm
In response to watertiger @ 101

A bunch of spoil sports dropped a dime on his ass when they caught him with a cutie milking his moan bone.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:37 pm

When Joe drives around in the ‘Zam, does the Secret Service have to have a couple of identical decoy cars driving with him to throw off any potential terrorists?

Kelly Canfield February 24th, 2013 at 3:37 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 103

That’s so weird. The same EXACT THING HAPPENED TO ME!

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:37 pm
In response to watertiger @ 104

No terrorist could catch his mean machine.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:38 pm
In response to drack37 @ 102

Joe isn’t really into all that politics crap

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 3:39 pm
In response to watertiger @ 104

The Secret Service wishes they had a car half as sweet as Biden’s baby.

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 3:40 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 107

There are some sweet video games you can play at the DoD though. Lots of remote control airplane shooters, although the graphics are shit compared to Xbox.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:42 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 107

Is Joe going to go on a book tour for the autobiography? Maybe an interview with Imus?

bmaz February 24th, 2013 at 3:42 pm

Does Joe wish Jill would get hot bangs like Michelle?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:43 pm
In response to bmaz @ 111

Jill gets plenty of hot bangs.

Suzanne February 24th, 2013 at 3:45 pm

aqua-kitty! sorry to be sliding in so late *le pant le pant*

i LOVE LOVE LOVE this book! thank you so very much chad and alex for writing this. whatta hoot of a book.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:46 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 112

I know Joe’s got a tattoo of “Jill” inside a heart. Does Jill have a comparable tattoo?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:46 pm
In response to watertiger @ 110

Doesn’t look good. He said he had a bunch of work bullshit to take care of

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:48 pm
In response to Suzanne @ 113

No such thing as late! Just “temporally shifted”.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:49 pm
In response to watertiger @ 114

I know on her pelvis she has a little warning sign that says “Slippery When Wet” and supposedly she has a tattoo that says “Joe” on her heart.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:49 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 115

Damn. I hope that doesn’t interfere with any of his road trips.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:50 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 117

Wow, a nod to Bon Jovi and everything! What a gal.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:51 pm
In response to Suzanne @ 113

Your kind words will certainly be appreciated by the President of Vice

BevW February 24th, 2013 at 3:51 pm

As we come to the end of this fun Book Salon,

Chad, Alex, Thank you for stopping by the Lake and spending the afternoon with us discussing your new book, and having fun with us.

Watertiger, Thank you very much for Hosting this great Book Salon.

Everyone, if you would like more information:

Chad and Alex’s website (The Onion) and book

Watertiger’s website (DependableRenegade.com)

Thanks all, Have a great week.

If you would like to contact the FDL Book Salon: FiredoglakeBookSalon@gmail.com

FDL Book Salon has a Facebook page too

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:52 pm

BTW, has Obama finally agreed to let Joe breed constrictors at Camp David?

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 3:52 pm
In response to watertiger @ 118

Running the country is always second to giving the Zam some fresh air.

Peterr February 24th, 2013 at 3:52 pm

How has the Washington press corps reacted to the book? Chuck Todd? Andrea Mitchell?

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:53 pm
In response to BevW @ 121

Thank you for having us. It’s been a pleasure.

Peterr February 24th, 2013 at 3:54 pm
In response to Chad Nackers @ 125

Thank you. It’s nice to be had.

(Isn’t that a quote from someone in the book?)

Alex Blechman February 24th, 2013 at 3:54 pm
In response to watertiger @ 122

It’s easier to apologize than ask permission.

Thanks for inviting us. Sorry Biden couldn’t join the conversation himself.

watertiger February 24th, 2013 at 3:55 pm

Alex and Chad, thanks so much for hanging out with us. I’m going to sign up for Joe’s guitar classes.

Chad Nackers February 24th, 2013 at 3:58 pm
In response to watertiger @ 128

We had a great time. Just remember Joe’s not responsible for any hearing loss.

Elliott February 24th, 2013 at 3:59 pm

This was wonderful!

Thank you all

Kirk Murphy February 24th, 2013 at 4:01 pm

Chad and Alex, thanks for getting down and in with Joe and coming out the other side to give us a look.

Waterkitty, you were perfect: so good to see you again.

And Bev, thank you for making this and all the Salons happen.

Sorry but the comments are closed on this post